Okay, So I’m about to get real and personal. I’m doing this ’cause I know many of us go though the same issues in life, having the same human experiences and, learning similar lessons.
About two weeks ago, my husband asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I said “A leather jacket”.
I had a feeling he was going to ask me so I ran out to the mall and tried on a bunch of jackets to see which style and brand I liked best. I then handed him a piece of paper with the name of the sales person, style and brand of the jacket and item number, to make it easy.
To my surprise he said ‘Well, what’s the point of that? If you tell me exactly what you want it won’t be a surprise.”
Okay, fine…I thought, he’s got a point.
Well, just a few days ago, I guess he started to feel the pressure of not having purchased a gift with Christmas being around the corner.
So, he asked me again if I could send him a list of what I wanted for Christmas. This is how it went down
Me: “I thought you didn’t want me to tell you”
Him: “Just give me the list”
Well, a week had passed and I did no such thing. He asked me the other night “What size are you? A zero or double zero?”
My reply, “Seriously, I don’t think I’ve ever been a double zero and, besides, I just had a baby. What are you getting me ’cause it’s different depending on the brand? I also wear different sizes for a dress versus pants. If you’re buying me a leather jacket then I’m a size two. I do really like the jacket from All Saints. I’ve tried them all and that’s the one that fits me the best”
I then went to put the baby to sleep and, decided to help him out by sending him a link to the exact jacket I wanted.
Once I texted him, he immediately replied, “Too late. Already bought you another jacket.”
I texted back “But that’s the ONLY jacket that fits me. I’ve tried them all.”
I heard nothing. By next morning he came up to me and with such intense energy (pissy, really) questioned why I had not told him sooner.
My reply, ” I did. Two weeks ago I gave YOU the exact brand, style, model number and name of sales person who would have helped you with the purchase and given you 25% off. But remember? YOU said it was pointless to get me a gift if I already knew exactly what it was.”
His reply, “Why are YOU living in the past? I asked you last night what exact jacket you wanted and the size and all YOU did was give me the runaround. Why are YOU so difficult? Why do YOU make things so hard? NOBODY can please YOU.”
My reply, “Well, just return the jacket and get the right one?”
His reply, “It’s too late. I already bought it so I guess you’re gonna have to return it after all and get whatever you want.”
Anyway, the argument escalated with him telling me he never wanted to buy me a gift in the first place and that I’ve an upper limit problem and, was tired of arguing.
So, I totally fired back and told him to take responsibility for his part and to stop being such a victim.
Now, both of us were pretty pissed off and not backing down.
So, does any of this sound familiar to you at all?
This is what I have to say about it all. Every single time we argue with our partners, husbands, boyfriends, significant others (whatever you want to call them) there is ALWAYS a lesson to be learned. There is ALWAYS a cause and effect to the situation. There is ALWAYS something that needs to be healed within both individuals. It’s ALWAYS both parties at play and not just the fault of one.
And, if you truly want to grow and become a stronger, better more evolved person (‘Cause I know you do, right?) then you will do your absolute best to ALWAYS see your part in the drama. You need to do so as if your life depended on it.
It’s one of the hardest things to do and takes so much courage but trust me, you’ll heal your life faster and open yourself up to much more amazing experiences in your life and, create from a much more aligned and empowered place.
If you don’t see your part, if you don’t see what you’re creating, then you’ll just re-experience the same drama over and over again until you get it. Until you heal it.
So, here was my chance to put on my big girl panties and see my part.
Girl, this takes practice. To be real here, for the first ten minutes after the argument, I began to play the victim role telling myself I didn’t deserve this at all and that I deserved so much better. That maybe I should be with someone more loving and respectful.
My mind started to come up with the absolute most dramatic ideas. Ideas and actions that would leave me more lonely, sad and heartbroken. I started to seriously close my heart like a clam. I felt my chest tighten, my breath get heavier and my blood boil. I was hot.
I sat there and made myself feel the anger, feel the rejection, feel the pain, feel the hurt, feel the resentment.
I needed to. I needed to allow it to run through me to not get stuck in my body.
I then opened up my journal and wrote “What is my part in this whole situation? What did I do or say to create the negative reaction in my husband?”
And, trust me…this is not to blame or punish myself, but more to see what he is showing me, reflecting to me that needs healing.
We are always healing, growing and learning. This will NEVER end.
Our partners are reflecting who were are at our core. They are our mirrors.
Like attracts like.
And, by all means, it does not mean you’re a bad person or not good enough. Just understand that we are here on earth to have these human experiences, to learn to be better with more love and compassion.
I believe my husband became upset because he now knows he got me the wrong jacket. Which means I won’t like the gift, which means I will be rejecting his gift, which makes him feel bad as if can’t do anything right or please me.
He then blames me for the rejection. Blames me for him feeling bad and, therefore, can’t handle it. It’s the feeling of REJECTION he can’t stand. It causes him pain, therefore, he wants to take the pain away from himself and make me feel it. (totally subconscious, totally from his ego and not his true self, I do the same at times, yep)
I then realized that I have a belief that he doesn’t care for me which makes me feel REJECTED (hello, the mirror)
I think most of us think our partners don’t care enough for us. I mean, who the hell knows when and where this sh*t became a part of our belief system, but I’ll bet it happened some time when we were kids. Anyway, not going to go there now ’cause it would be too complicated.
So, I know I have this story, this belief that he doesn’t care enough for me, so I felt like he didn’t give a shizzle about me when I initially gave him the jacket info in the first place (REJECTION). I was pissed that I wasted my time at the mall trying on all sorts of jackets and, in the end, he wasn’t interested.
And, NOW, all of a sudden he is. I guess I was trying to punish him and make him suffer for making me feel bad (not nice, I know, but true) But the truth is, he didn’t make me feel bad, it was MY STORY, MY BELIEF, that did so.
Ya see what’s happening here? Cray, cray, right?!!
The difference between him and I (I might be assuming here) is that I DO want to see MY PART ’cause I want to be a better version of myself than yesterday. I want to evolve into my higher potential so that I could continue creating an amazing life for myself.
I then took it another step and DECIDED to forgive him and myself.
I DECIDED to let it go ’cause holding on to the resentment and anger towards them just energetically shuts you down and feels crappy.
Why do that to yourself…you deserve to be happy. Nobody is going to feel less happy than YOU. You’re just screwing yourself over.
In order to let it all go. I had to remember why I loved this man, I had to create the space for him to eff it up. For him to grow, for him to make mistakes and, remind myself, that he too has given me the space to eff it up and still forgave me.
There have been moments when I was dead wrong and he still gave me unconditional love and didn’t hold it against me. So, when I remember these things, it allows me to open my heart, forgive and be compassionate.
Okay, phew, I had lots to say about this. So many epiphanies.
Hope this helps you stay open hearted and loving to you and your partner.
There is no perfect relationship out there and if someone claims they do then I’m calling BS on it.
You are with the right person in this right moment who is your greatest teacher, your soulmate.
Thank them, honor them.
And Remember: Be You, Be Real and Be Bold.
PS. Let me know if you’ve been here too and, if so, what your partner has mirrored in you. Share in the comments below